True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
