Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
