I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
