Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
