i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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