he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize