and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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