I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
