Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
