Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
