He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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