I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
