I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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