could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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