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it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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