is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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