just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
