When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Life is so much better after having sex.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
