Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
