I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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