On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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