Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
