Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
