I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
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