dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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