I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
