Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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