Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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