Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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