Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
