so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
