If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
