you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
