i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
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