At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Randomize
