took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
