I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Bang-toberfest begins!!
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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