I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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