The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The power of my boobs compel you
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
