My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
