My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I smell stomach acid.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
