I could make wine with my vomit
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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