at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
