Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
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