Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
