I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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