I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
