I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
