took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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