WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
