this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
