I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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