I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
