it was like his penis was on wheels.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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