Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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