Betty ford says i'm here all night
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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