I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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