wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
