i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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