Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
