New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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