Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
