She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
