There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Randomize
