Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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