I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
