The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
