i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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